May 16th

I was born and made them parents on May 16, 1958.

Other historical things that happened on this day – The Feast Day of Saint Brendan – one of the early monastic saints – died.  The album  Beyond These Shores celebrates his journey and life. (One of my favorite albums)

There’s a list of famous people who were born or who died on this day right on Wikipedia.  I remember hearing that Jim Henson (Muppet Inventor) died on my birthday – while sitting at a traffic light in Culpeper – 1990.

At this point in my life, birthdays are not too exciting – except for the fact that I’m privileged to have yet one more.    I’m not nearly as mature as I thought I’d be at this point, but I am more forgiving of myself about that than I used to be.

I am blessed.

(I drew Baby Val when I was in high school – long, long ago.)

A bit of a pitcher obsession

The Search

(Union Church – Easton Maine)

Since I’ve only attended seven churches from infancy to this current 55th year, I’d hardly describe myself as a church hopper.   But as we have moved further into the “empty nest” phase of our lives, we found ourselves feeling a need for change.

This has not been an easy decision.  In the past, when making a change in churches, it conveniently happened to coincide with a decision to move, or my husband’s own experience in pastoring a church.   We decided to attend our most recent church in response to our daughters’ choice.  We knew it would be the last church we’d attend with them before they left home, and wanted to give them the final decision.  They had not had a choice when we moved to “the wilderness” of Pville and they had adapted gracefully to that move.  To be honest, I just wanted anonymity for a while. Five and a half years ago, it was their time to choose.  They made friends, finally had a bit of a church social life.  It was good.

It’s been difficult to choose change for us now  - and to try to explain why – when there is no clear “problem” to define.  It sort of feels like that confusing breakup line – “it’s not about you, it’s about me.”  But it’s really true.  We have been on the other side of this decision, though, and it can be hurtful – and that is our regret.  As we did not make an announcement about the decision to leave (awkward!),  some people don’t seem to realize we’re actually gone.  Since we’d been there for 5.5 years, that may be indicative of a problem – but maybe we are the source.  When we arrived there, we were content to just be invisible.  Eventually, he taught a Sunday School class, I played keyboard, and we were involved on Sunday – but that was about the extent.  We are introverts and that may be an area in need of evaluation when we make a final decision in a church home.

As we’ve visited different churches, we continue to process and refine what it is we are looking for and what we are not looking for.  Some churches we’ve visited are outside of the denomination we have attended for all of our married life (me since age 14).  We are deciding what our negotiables are and what are our non-negotiables.   What type of service format, music, teaching, preaching, ministries beyond Sunday, etc. are there?  We do not have to be concerned about youth or children’s ministries anymore.  That feels strange.  Are there cell groups?  Opportunities for fellowship beyond Sunday morning service and Sunday classes?  What is the leadership style? Big church? Small church?

It is a stretching experience – requiring thinking in directions that I’m not sure I ever have thought before regarding which CHURCH fits.  As a child and teen, I was brought to the church of my parents.  In my young adult life, it was a continuation of the church of my teens.  In Virginia, it was the default denomination   – and the only AG church in town.  We wanted children’s ministries – and eventually he became the children’s pastor at that church.  The kids grew, the youth group was something they enjoyed, the boys moved on – and a few years later  we moved north.

When he pastored, it was (not surprisingly) within this same denomination – the one in which he’d received accreditation.  When we finished our time there five and a half years ago, it was logical to try a couple of the churches in our new town within this same denomination.  The daughters made the final choice – and there we remained until recently.

We are now without a home church and it feels both exciting and unsettling.

I’ve had some people offer suggestions of a specific church to try as they attempt to figure out what it is I/we are looking for.  The internet and podcasts and websites have helped to narrow our focus on a few, and as we’ve never been uncommitted to a church – we’ve taken advantage of this time and even gone to a couple of churches that not likely to be a final choice – just because we’ve had the time to do so.

Our search has caused me to realize that how a person fits into a church body is very individual.  Listening to people describe what they enjoy or find frustrating in their own church causes me to think of my own needs/desires in church.   My search has opened up conversations that do not normally occur with friends and co-workers. Sometimes a church choice is made simply because it is the default church defined by one’s upbringing.  It may be a specific type of service or presentation or denomination.  Sometimes it will be about doctrine (and which facets are negotiable vs. non-negotiable) and whether one can be used in ministry or remain in fellowship with agreement in specific teachings.

We have not grown cynical regarding church and we definitely have not given up on church attendance as something of value in our faith walk.  It provides community, it is a place to grow, it is a place in or through which to minister – and maybe even where we can make a friend or two.

Eastman’s Breastfeeding Advice – c1963

I recently purchased a book at a Goodwill Store called “Expectant Motherhood”.  It was written by one of the authorities of the time – Nicholas Eastman, M.D. and was originally published in 1940.  The copy I have is a 4th edition – last copyright date 1963.

Of course I turned to the breastfeeding section to see how much has changed in how we teach about breastfeeding 60 years later.

According to Dr. Eastman, “nervous, worried, high-strung women usually have less milk than the happy-go-lucky type.”  No pressure there.  And a “large intake of fluids, particularly cow’s milk, unquestionably stimulates milk production.” 

Avoid alcohol as it passes into the milk, but “nicotine appears in the milk…but the amounts are so small as to be of no concern.” 

The schedule seems to have been set by the doctor (vs. the mother – - or here’s a thought – the BABY).  ”Some physicians start the baby on the breast twelve hours after delivery, others twenty-four hours afterward; some begin at once with four hour schedule, others prefer a six-hour interval until the milk comes it. After lactation has once begun, it is common practice to bring the baby to the breast every four hours.  ….. With small babies, some physicians prefer three-hour feedings……  If a four hour schedule is employed, both breasts are nursed for ten minutes each, as a rule.  With the three hour interval, it is customary to use alternate breasts at each feeding, the duration of nursing being extended slightly.”

Nipples needed special care!  Who knew?  (This has been confirmed as a practice by some nurses I work with who have been in this field for decades.)  You were to wash them before feedings with sterile water or a boric acid solution. In between feedings, you’d keep a sterile cotton gauze up against the nipple, holding it in place with a light binder.  And if you wore a nursing bra, it would prevent “subsequent sagging of the breasts.”

Then I reached the section on Teaching the Baby to Nurse. It definitely brought me a smile in how this teaching was presented.

“Although the baby is born with an active suckling reflex, not a few babies have difficulty in coordinating their efforts when the nipple is first put into their mouths. (Ok – that’s not changed!) This sometimes seems to be the result of over-enthusiasm, the baby going at the nipple with such excited gusto that he clumsily bobs the nipple out of his mouth and then loses his temper over the whole business and starts to wail.  Sometimes, since he gets only a few drops of colostrum during the first few days, the baby appears to become disgruntled over the meager fare at his new boardinghouse, and after a brief trial gives every evidence that he prefers sleep to such a futile and tantalizing procedure.  (quite the comedic approach)

However this may be, the mother should understand that the chief purpose of putting the baby to the breast these first two days is to educate him (and also her) in the serious business of nursing.  The baby should be held in such a manner that he need exercise no effort to contact the breast, that is, he should not be made to stretch his neck forward to reach the nipple.”

When he discusses the concept of “Breast versus Artificial Feeding” – apparently the “old problem” (debate over what to do) is not new.

“On the one hand, we are led to believe that artificial, or bottle, feeding, being based on modern, scientific calculations, is actually superior to the “old-fashioned method”.  On the other hand, we are told that the mother who fails to nurse her baby condemns it to an appalling hazard, to sundry diseases, to an ugly lower jaw and even to a faulty background in filial piety. (WHOA!)

All of the advantages of breastfeeding he lists do not sound all that different from teaching today.  It’s digested more easily than cow’s milk, it’s clean, GI disturbances less often in breastfed baby, more calories per ounce in breastmilk (which has largely been fixed after publication of this book with commercial formula), hastens involution of uterus, usually more convenient, more economical.  But a couple of his advantages of “artificial feeding” are interesting: Less tiring, mom can more easily control her weight, and avoid sagging breasts. It also “takes less out of her” and people can help her.   Sagging breasts seem to be epidemic among breastfeeding mothers!

His conclusion about whether a mom should or should not nurse her baby: “Should you nurse your baby? The answer is “Yes, if at all possible.” Must you nurse your baby? “No, if circumstances make it quite impossible.”  The woman who is able to nurse her baby should consider herself fortunate.  On the other hand, the woman who is unable to do so can rest assured that artificial feeding, if meticulously carried out, will usually yield results which are equally good.”

Cracked nipples existed decades ago, too.  There seemed to be no connection to a poor latch in this time period.  Recommendations included ointments, or a breastfeeding rest – with use of a pump.  A nipple shield may be used – but the description of a shield is foreign to me. “A nipple shield is a round, glass cup which fits tightly around the outer edge of the nipple; attached to it is a rubber nipple which the child nurses.”  Thankfully,  we have silicone nipple shields today for times when one is needed.  And we know work on fixing the latch as a solution to the problem!

Discharge time was beginning to move towards one to three days post-delivery.  But when this book was written, the time of going home varies between “the fourth and tenth day, as a rule. The average is near the fifth or sixth day.”  I believe my own mother stayed six days with me and my sister (1958, 1961).

A baby might have gotten a bath immediately after birth with warm mineral oil.  The ID of the baby was confirmed by the beaded ankle bracelet with mom’s name or a “piece of tape with mom’s name affixed to the baby’s back. ”  That sounds secure.  :-)

So breastfeeding advice given at the time I was born had some truths, and some things taught then we know now were not true.  And based on my job experience, most moms still need at least some support, education, more support, information, reassurance, support – when it comes to learning how to breastfeed their babies.

Mistakes Were Made

I am sure I spend too much time in the mommy blogging world. I’m probably drawn to that world in part due to my current job as an IBCLC and seeing new parents every day I work.
There seems to be very little support of each other online and way too much judging and criticizing. It’s much too easy to do this from behind a screen.

I am so very relieved I did this child-rearing gig before the Interwebs – where I would likely have spent hours reading about how I was doing it all so wrong. From the time the pregnancy test is positive, there are people telling you the best ways of doing it all. And judging you – openly or silently – if you decide to do it “wrong”.

I am a mostly recovered semi-crunchy mom. As a breastfeeding at-home mom in the 80′s, I had 4 “natural” deliveries with various midwives in the hospital setting. (They were quick which made it all much easier to be “unmedicated”, just so ya know.) I just did what I did, didn’t much care what others were doing since I was sort of busy as they multiplied. I never once used the word “empowered” as I was pushing out any of my large children. I used cloth diapers because they were cheaper – not because I was “green”.

I did some co-sleeping with some of them at some ages, but I also did some “CIO” (cry it out) with some of them at some ages. I was not AP (attachment parenting) but was not EZZO or any other rule based parenting style. I breastfed without a Boppy. I rarely successfully used a breast pump. (Pump In Style and Bobby invented after I was all done.) I actually “breastfed in public” 5 or 6 times in the 4.5 years I was breastfeeding these four children. Two refused bottles. (would so do that differently now!) We occasionally spanked. Not often and they grew and then we didn’t spank anymore. And in all of these areas, I’d likely do things differently knowing what I now know. And knowing my children for who they are now. But ALL of these decisions are fodder for judgment nowadays.

How did we figure it all out before the Internet told us how? We observed and learned from a few people we felt were doing it well, read a few books, and watched a video series on parenting. Then there’s the “figure it out as you go along” method. We brought to the table our own experience with our own parents – took what we felt was effective, tweaked a bit here and there, adjusted for the particular child’s “bent” and hoped we were not messing any of them up too badly. We prayed. We hoped. We tried to be good role models. We worked hard to shape the clay that was born to us.

Because that’s the thing – even though you DO learn as you go along – you STILL make mistakes. You are humbled. You apologize, you feel regret, you do it better. You can’t do this thing “right” or “perfectly”. You simply do your best.

They grow, they challenge, they test, and you are humbled time and time again at what you don’t know about parenting. You learn on that first child – and the next child/ren are different and you thought you were getting pretty good at this parenting and then realize maybe you have different things to learn with this one.

It’s best to avoid saying “my child will never do that” or even thinking it – because you don’t know if your child will eventually do that. You set limits and boundaries and give affection and love and say “no” and yes, you even don’t love every minute of every day.

So I’m sorry for parents now in this connected world. I often felt like a failure as a parent, but at least it was my own self-eval – vs. the Internet World telling me I WAS actually doing it all wrong. Hang in there, young parents. The blessings that result from all of your imperfect efforts will be awesome. (aka Keith, Adam, Kerry, Erin)

Sorry guys! Mistakes were made….

My son-in-law was being shot down for an opinion he expressed on a parenting issue recently – which inspired this post.

**I work as a lactation consultant and I want to hug the mom who feels defensive for formula feeding and it’s also fine if your child “never had a drop of formula”. Whatever works best for you and yours!

What I’m Into

I thought I’d participate in book, music, memory, blog, food promotion this month.

Things I’m Reading:
I just started Introverts in the Church and it seems to be resonating already.
I finished Beautiful Lies – a book by Lisa Unger, my niece’s favorite author. I enjoyed it – and her storytelling is along the lines of Baldacci or Grisham.

Music that is moving me:
When You Got a Good Thing (Lady Antebellum) – the song my son and daughter-in-law danced to at their wedding in November
Here I Amy to Worship (Michael Gungor Band)
My God (Jonathan Stockstill) – when looking for an extra push on the elliptical or treadmill

What I’m Watching:
LIFE – season 1 – and 2 on Netflix Watch Now (with husband – all done now)
Argo – in the theater – great movie
Downton Abbey – Series 3 (online)

Kitchen Happenings:
Scones, bread, chicken soup, chocolate chip cookies, homemade pizza – among other things
Recipes on my Pinterest Cooking Board.

Memorable Moments this past month: A son joined his life to a terrific lady and I watched my husband be the one to perform the ceremony.
Almost getting our car smashed into on the way to the wedding was also memorable.

Blog Reader Recent Favorites:

http://howtotalkevangelical.addiezierman.com/

http://modernmrsdarcy.com/

http://cindyswanslife.blogspot.com/

http://www.aholyexperience.com/

1959 to 2012

Photographs document change.  See that baby in the corner?  That’s me.  See that man and woman on either side of me?  They raised me, cared for me, loved me…. and the time passed.   The grandfather in the left foreground has long been in eternity with his God.

Those parents of mine  – they sat at the table with me decades ago – and at my table for the recent Thanksgiving holiday meal.

I am so glad they are still here.

Somehow I am now holding a grandson in my arms and the photo documents the time together.  The evidence of time passing is in my face (and also the saggy neck) – but yes – I will be “in the photo” and hold this boy.   Time seems to pass quickly.

Grateful for the time.  Not excited about the effects of it. 

Books

Books contain more than words.   A book can guide, or open one’s heart or mind to a different point of view.  A book can expand an interest or inspire travel to a far away place.  A book  may explain and understanding may grow.  But some change the direction of a life.

I have been thinking about which books have very likely changed the path of my life.  Some helped me to understand, some influenced a decision I was contemplating, some created a world that became real to me.

The Bible.  (inspiring faith, revealing God, and guiding life decisions)

Family Medical Guide (Reader’s Digest) — (elementary age – looking at the plastic pages with illustrations of the human body and organs – grew an interest in “medical stuff” = ultimate journey through x-ray tech school, and after years home with kids, on to nursing school)

Reviving Ophelia.  Mary Pipher (helped convince me to finally say yes to homeschooling request of middle aged school daughters)

Women are from Mars, Men are from Venus.   John Gray  (oh yes – that book – actually helped me understand that my often quiet husband was not “mad at me” and helped me better understand gender differences – at least the ones that mattered to me and my husband)

Outlander.  Diana Gabaldon (Someday, I will get to Scotland, and Jamie and Claire are real (or feel like they are) and the series of novels starting with this book were a bit of an obsession for a long, long while…)

The Strong Willed Child.  James Dobson  (Discipline with love – one of the first books that helped in the challenging job of trying to raise children into wonderful adults)

The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding - LLL  (Helped me be more successful in breastfeeding my own children which likely unltimately influenced the fact that I am working in the job I am currently employed in)

Nancy Drew Mysteries (began and fostered a life long love of reading)

Then there are the books that stay with us for decades – or will – for a variety of reasons: The Hiding Place (Corrie ten Boom), The Cross and the Switchblade (David Wilkerson), Roots (Alex Haley), Gift of the Sea (Anne Morrow Lindburgh), Our Town (Thornton Wilder),  Diary of a Young Girl (Anne Frank), Seven Habits of Highly Effective People (Stephen Covey),  To Kill a Mockingbird (Harper Lee) and a few more recent reads: Unbroken (Laura Hillenbrand), Bonhoeffer (Eric Metaxas), Blue Like Jazz (Donald Miller), Praying for Strangers (River Jordan).

Fellow readers – what books have influenced you? Or stayed with you for a long, long time?

Blessings

Today is the day.  The last of my unmarried children will change that single status before the day ends.

He left home 9 years ago to enter the Air Force.  He was 19.  And unlike with college – which involves leaving and returning cycles – when a child enters the military, the “arrow is shot”.  He was gone.  The visits home were never frequent enough and always felt far too brief.

This son has matured greatly from that man/boy who left.  Life experience will do that.  Each visit revealed hints of who he was growing into and we were proud.  Are proud.

I prayed and hoped for him to find someone to be in his life.  A mom’s heart hurts thinking of her son far away from his family and wondering if he is lonely.  Maybe he wasn’t (he’s a bit of a Mystery and all) but IF he was lonely, I hoped he’d find someone to love and who would love him back.

Then he did!

When he first introduced her to us, he was so excited to do so – and so very proud of her.  As I watched them together, I hoped that she would be the one.

And she was! As we’ve continued to get to know her, she couldn’t be more perfect for him.

They will make their covenant today.   The day will conclude and they will call each other husband and wife for the first time.   They will be a family.

I watch him with his (almost) in-laws and and am so very grateful to the extended family he’s gaining as well.  It’s clear he is part of their family as well as ours.

Today,  I will remember the baby I held, the boy who grew, will awkwardly dance with him at his wedding – and feel blessed knowing the man he’s become.  My heart is full and if there are tears, they will be such very happy ones.

Marriage

I recently listened to a podcast entitled “Love and Lust” – a sermon by Tim Keller.   Tim Keller is a pastor at Redeemer Presbyterian Church in NYC and I’ve been listening to many of his sermons lately.  This one, I listened to three times.  I read his book on marriage this past year and enjoyed that as well.

I have been married for 32 + years and have been quite blessed with a great husband and relationship.  With my last unmarried child about to exchange vows and marry, two others marrying in the past year and a half – marriage and its challenges are on my mind.  I hope and pray that my children will have strong marriages that will be lifetime relationships – but there are times when it will take work and commitment.  Serious commitment.    My husband said very early on in our marriage that he would NEVER divorce me – even if he no longer loved me.  It sounds kind of strange – but that is his level of commitment to marriage – to us.  Thankfully, I don’t think he’s ever been put to that test.

I will review the points of the sermon that spoke to me – but it’s well worth the download on ITunes,  even for those long and successfully married!

Pastor Keller discussed what changes (or should) with the exchange of the vows of marriage.  When a couple are dating or even living together, it is more of a consumer relationship.  When we are in a consumer relationship, we are “always looking or wondering about an upgrade”.  “What can you do FOR me?”  In our consumer culture, we are looking for a better price, a better person, a person who can meet our needs more or better and if he/she does not, we are on the lookout for someone / something better.

Once marriage vows are exchanged as vows before God, the relationship changes to a covenantal one.  A covenantal  relationship provides a zone of safety in which we can relax and be ourselves with our partner.  Ideally, there is freedom to be oneself because the promise has been made.  A covenant provides the opportunity to learn to give to each other rather than to solely take.

Another example of a covenantal relationship he uses as an illustration is that of parent and child.  There is long term investment for very little return for a very long time – and the child never truly catches up.  But the emotional reward for our investment is still very great.  The greater the investment, the greater the return.

Marriage provides an opportunity to trust, to give, to simply rest in covenantal relationship with one another.

He talks of sex as a renewal of this covenant.  Sex is an external sign of the invisible reality of covenant.  We are naked before one another physically;  this represents that our whole lives are now vulnerable and open before one another.  Outside of marriage, sex tends to be marketing or simply meeting of physical needs – a product to exchange with often selfish motivation. Additionally, he also talks about the impact of porn (the ultimate selfish consumerism), the marketing of sex, the integrity of sexuality in the Bible, the challenge of lust, and the future of love.

Our culture tends to quickly throw away the broken or damaged – whether stuff or people or marriages.   My prayer for my children’s marriages is that there will be effort and patience and love and commitment leading to the richness of a life shared with a best friend.